1001 MORE GREAT JOKES
by Jeff Rovin
1) "Dr. Stenson,"
the woman said, "you have to do something for my husband. As soon as
he falls asleep, he starts to snore like some kind of a monster."
"He may need an operation. Does it really bother you that much?"
"Me?" she said. "It bothers the entire congregation."
2) Q. What's the difference between a Xerox machine and flu?
A. One makes facsimiles, the other makes sick families.
3) Because the restaurant was located in the heart of the metropolitan theater district, the cashier was always being asked what time it was. Sick and tired of being disturbed while she was adding checks or counting out change, she finally bought a clock and left it on the counter.
Now, as people pay their bills, they no longer ask the time. Instead they say, "Is that clock right?"
4) With a hat in each hand, the beggar approached a woman walking down the street. "Ma'am," he said, "can I have a few dollars?"
"Fine," she said, reaching into her purse, "but why do you have two hats?"
"Well, business has been so good that I decided to open a branch office."
5) The Greek scholar took his torn pants to the Greek tailor. Studying the tear, the tailor asked, "Euripedes?" The scholar nodded, "Eumenides!"
6) Q. What is the difference between a woman in a church and a woman in a bathtub?
A. One has hope in her soul . . . (the other has soap on her body.)
7) After countless centuries the wall between heaven and hell began to crack from the extreme heat on the underside. Slipping through the fissure, St. Peter confronted Satan.
"You know, Lucifer, for the past thirty centuries, we've been doing the repairs whenever there's a break in the wall. God feels it's time you did your fair share."
Twirling his tail, Satan barked, "Forget it! My demons are too busy to bother with a stinking wall."
Indignant, St. Peter said, "In that case, I'm afraid we have no recourse but to sue you."
"Oh?" grinned the Devil. "And where do you intend to find a lawyer?"
8) Q. What do you get from eating onions and beans?
A. Tear gas.
9) Landing in Las Vegas. a Plutonian walked into a casino. While he's observing the patrons, he noticed a slot machine spit out a flood of silver dollars. Walking over when the customer had left, the alien said to the machine, "You're silly not to be home with a cold like that!"
10) "I've got good news and bad news," the lawyer said to his client, a convicted killer.
"What's the bad news?"
"They're still going to electrocute you at sunrise."
"Jesus Christ! Then what's the good news?"
The lawyer smiled proudly, "I got the voltage reduced."